I sent a letter today; a letter that was a scratch on the surface of truth. In this font is the letter that was sent to my daughter, in this font is the letter that I wrote to file for a later date. It is all that I would say if I could. However, her age and her censor do not allow for it. Read on...
Dear Emma,
I am writing this letter to tell you that I love you and miss you.
Dear Emma,
I just wrote you a letter that says only an nth of what is in my heart. I cannot, however, say to you that we miss our little girl. I have the woman that I love here but not my daughter.
I cannot tell you this now, because your father would tear this letter up and you would never see it. You would not, perhaps, understand what I am trying to say, anyway. But know this: my life is incomplete in some way I cannot describe.
California is sunny and warm and there are lots of cars and tall, tall buildings. The ocean is here, which is a lot like the lake but it tastes salty. There are trees here that smell like medicine and there were lizards in my old house. I live near tall hills and a soccer field where little kids play and it reminds me of you.
I am sometimes only half-aware of my surroundings; my mind is full of 'what if' and memories. But I thank god for the memories, as they are finally becoming recollections of pleasant things. I am slowly, slowly disentangling memories of you from the memories of pain. I am remembering holding you feeding you, and laughing with you. I remember that I was a good mom to you at one point. I am learning to forgive myself for struggling, and for not being able to always be a good mom. For a woman with an astounding vocabulary, I find myself struggling now to tell you how I feel.
I fear what your father will tell you about me. I fear more your anger when you are older, and that uou might somehow think that you were lacking in any way. You are not. It is I that lacked the ability to be the best for you. You are amazing, little one. So smart, so deep. You were my buddy and my best friend, and my baby. I loved the smell of your hair and the feeling of your warm little self cuddled up in my arms, and the sight of those amazing blue eyes all crinkled up with laughter.
I am hoping to see you soon, Baby, and hear all about school and your new friends.
Everywhere I go there is something that reminds me of you. A song, a sight, or something that is said to or by me. You are my daughter, always, and always a part of me. I miss you...
Love,
Mommy
California is sunny and warm and there are lots of cars and tall, tall buildings. The ocean is here, which is a lot like the lake but it tastes salty. There are trees here that smell like medicine and there were lizards in my old house. I live near tall hills and a soccer field where little kids play and it reminds me of you.
I am sometimes only half-aware of my surroundings; my mind is full of 'what if' and memories. But I thank god for the memories, as they are finally becoming recollections of pleasant things. I am slowly, slowly disentangling memories of you from the memories of pain. I am remembering holding you feeding you, and laughing with you. I remember that I was a good mom to you at one point. I am learning to forgive myself for struggling, and for not being able to always be a good mom. For a woman with an astounding vocabulary, I find myself struggling now to tell you how I feel.
I fear what your father will tell you about me. I fear more your anger when you are older, and that uou might somehow think that you were lacking in any way. You are not. It is I that lacked the ability to be the best for you. You are amazing, little one. So smart, so deep. You were my buddy and my best friend, and my baby. I loved the smell of your hair and the feeling of your warm little self cuddled up in my arms, and the sight of those amazing blue eyes all crinkled up with laughter.
I am hoping to see you soon, Baby, and hear all about school and your new friends.
Everywhere I go there is something that reminds me of you. A song, a sight, or something that is said to or by me. You are my daughter, always, and always a part of me. I miss you...
Love,
Mommy
