I am usually so very clever with words. I use them argue, tell people that I love them, display my ridiculous side, and order my Chalupa at Taco Bell. I've used them to win spelling bees, teach classes, help my daughter with her ABCs, and even tell someone I was leaving them forever. So why am I speechless now?
I think it has to do with truth. The people who love me know I try to speak truth. Even when it sucks and it makes people mad at me. I may soften the blow a bit, or I may not. But I am known for my honesty. This is where truth becomes painful. I cannot make up words, I cannot make up things that I think and feel. Sometimes I think things that other people don't dare. Sometimes I follow a thought to its bitter end, shattering the illusions that most people build to protect themselves from being hurt. And sometimes I say those things out loud, to the dismay of others. It is when I am silent, though, that I am probably thinking the hardest...
I feel as though I am pacing at the top of a ridge. I keep coming to the edge of it and turning back for fear of the slide I may take if I place my foot the wrong way. I have tried to speak out loud first...write a message, a letter, a poem, a SONNET EVEN...and yet I cannot put words together to say what it is I wish to say. Unfortunately, the dirty limerick in my head is not appropriate for the situation, so I keep hammering my brain until the right words come. I have walked around in odd places, looking for inspiration. I have listened to music and looked at artwork, and still...nothing.
What does one say when life is terribly unfair? What do you say to someone when you cannot comprehend how they get up in the morning and function? How do you tell someone you are proud of them without sounding overbearing and out-of-line? How do you tell someone that they make you a little ashamed of yourself when it comes to whining about life? How do you express amazement that this person can do something you failed at, and under the worst set of conditions? How do you relay to someone you barely know (and know through an often-awkward set of circumstances) that they make you look at your life a little differently, without sounding like you're saying "Hey--your life sucks worse than mine, at least..."?
The truth is, I have nothing to say that doesn't come across as either trite, condescending, or patronizing. My words sound hollow to me because she is living it, while I am merely watching. My interest is colored by involvement, and by the impact it indirectly has on my life. I have no right to say anything. All I can do is watch, wait, and quietly support the one I can reach and reach out to. That is my statement, I suppose. That I will be the one who watches, the one who says nothing but perhaps does things instead.
I feel I don't have the right to do anything else. Maybe these words are the right ones. They aren't pretty, they aren't refined...but at least they're true.
I think it has to do with truth. The people who love me know I try to speak truth. Even when it sucks and it makes people mad at me. I may soften the blow a bit, or I may not. But I am known for my honesty. This is where truth becomes painful. I cannot make up words, I cannot make up things that I think and feel. Sometimes I think things that other people don't dare. Sometimes I follow a thought to its bitter end, shattering the illusions that most people build to protect themselves from being hurt. And sometimes I say those things out loud, to the dismay of others. It is when I am silent, though, that I am probably thinking the hardest...
I feel as though I am pacing at the top of a ridge. I keep coming to the edge of it and turning back for fear of the slide I may take if I place my foot the wrong way. I have tried to speak out loud first...write a message, a letter, a poem, a SONNET EVEN...and yet I cannot put words together to say what it is I wish to say. Unfortunately, the dirty limerick in my head is not appropriate for the situation, so I keep hammering my brain until the right words come. I have walked around in odd places, looking for inspiration. I have listened to music and looked at artwork, and still...nothing.
What does one say when life is terribly unfair? What do you say to someone when you cannot comprehend how they get up in the morning and function? How do you tell someone you are proud of them without sounding overbearing and out-of-line? How do you tell someone that they make you a little ashamed of yourself when it comes to whining about life? How do you express amazement that this person can do something you failed at, and under the worst set of conditions? How do you relay to someone you barely know (and know through an often-awkward set of circumstances) that they make you look at your life a little differently, without sounding like you're saying "Hey--your life sucks worse than mine, at least..."?
The truth is, I have nothing to say that doesn't come across as either trite, condescending, or patronizing. My words sound hollow to me because she is living it, while I am merely watching. My interest is colored by involvement, and by the impact it indirectly has on my life. I have no right to say anything. All I can do is watch, wait, and quietly support the one I can reach and reach out to. That is my statement, I suppose. That I will be the one who watches, the one who says nothing but perhaps does things instead.
I feel I don't have the right to do anything else. Maybe these words are the right ones. They aren't pretty, they aren't refined...but at least they're true.
Dum vita est spes est
