Magic Tree

It's funny how easy it is to give advice without ever really acknowledging that you are talking to yourself.

I remember telling someone that they had to decide where they were going to be. That they could not perpetually be in two places, trying to hang on to a place that was irrelevant while never quite committing to the place that could be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I think I exempted myself, saying quietly that I didn't count, that mothers can't make that choice and that my situation is different.

But it's not.

I think I chose, and I think that its a choice I am going to question perhaps all of my life. Instead of desperately stretching for that next plane ticket, that next visit and living in a dangerous place and being broke every day had become an untenable situation for my mental stability. At some point, I have to look next to me and the person whose presence in California I am solely responsible for and ask if she deserves better. And ask if maybe I do, too.

So the focus became on getting out of here and improving the every day quality of life as much as possible. Going to see Emma is now something I will do if I can instead of always scrambling to get back there as soon as I get off the plane. It was time to focus on where I was instead of always looking somewhere else. I have always looked somewhere else because it's easier to spin it in any direction you choose--what's in front of you is there in sharp relief and reality.

Damn reality sometimes...lol

So I am packing boxes and putting away a year's worth of acquired objects and stories. This will always be our first home in California, the place we didn't have to leave. The first place that was ours ever, and the place where we learned who we really are as a couple. That in itself makes it a special place, despite the trash in the yard and the broken glass in the streets.