Today I officially became a resident of the state of California. I also officially wetn back to my maiden name. We'll skip what it is cause it really isn't the BEST last name, but it belongs to me and that makes it worth it.
The last few months have been an interesting lesson in freedom and its cost. I started thinking about some of the ironies in my life at this point. One of them has to do with that last name...
Five years ago I got married for all of the wrong reasons.I was young, scared, and I thought it was the smartest thing to do to protect myself and the father of my child. My wedding was a farce; it contained elements that bordered on the ridiculous. Anyone who knew me was taken aback by the speed of it, the lack of personal touch, and the dull sound of my voice when speaking of it. I was married in Las Vegas, a place that suits my personality about as well as a beauty product seminar. It was my start down the road of emotional suicide.
Recently, another aspect of it has come to light. My first marraige was a sham. A complete and utter lie, wrapped in the word 'duty', rolled in a sweet bed of lies, and stuffed down the throats of everyone I knew. But it was a legal and binding sham.
A right I took for granted, squandered even--is no longer mine to exercise. I at this moment have no legal and binding right to marry whomever I choose. My choice will be inevitably female and therefore out of my reach. It is sad that I may come to the conclusion that marriage is my wish with someone I truly love, only to be denied the right that I exercised in deceit once before. I vowed to love ( I didn't), I vowed to honesty (I lied), and I vowed til death do us part (I'm still kicking and so is he.)
If I do it again, I will mean it. The irony is that while it may mean the world to me and those who care about me, it won't mean a damned thing legally. A right I once abused is now barred when I would exercise it in full honesty...
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