This map leads to nowhere you've ever been...

So I had this profound thought today about maps and expectations. I'm getting older over here, and while it has its downsides, it can also have its upside. One of the upsides to being practically geriatric is the idea of the long view. I always had the ability to do so under duress; what was once a emotional crisis-aversion technique has become an ingrained part of my personality. It just isn't in my nature anymore to react. I seem to be forced to swallow the logic and or feasability of a situation before my brain saddles up and responds. I don't know how I feel about that just yet. Stay tuned...

It is human nature to seek out patterns to follow and recognize; we seek answers from our experiences and ways to avoid problems, heartache, dangers, etc. All of this is very logical, very understandable--and also very dangerous at times. The danger can especially manifest itself in our relationships. There is a part of our brain that wil instinctively react to these patterns when we see them, much like turning automatically toward work when you get to the end of your street when you aren't even paying attention. But what happens if you do that on a Sunday?
In that situation, you might curse under your breath and turn around at the next street to go back toward the grocery store. But what if someone tried to tell you it was Sunday and you had no way of confirming that, and instead plowed on toward work, determined that this was the destination you MUST go to?

So what happens to those of us that have been down this road before with other people? When we see someone who appears to be doing something that reminds us of someone else? What happens when someone who has been serially cheated on meets up with a faithful but free spirit? What happens when someone who has dated hotheads meets up with a strong-willed but even-tempered individual? What happens when a person with abandonment issues meets a person who is adventurous but steadfast? The serial cheated-on fears the free-spirit's rambling ways might lead them to infidelity...the free-spirit fears the reaction of the cheated-upon might herald shackles in the future. The enabler of the past-tense hothead ducks whenever there is a conflict, and the strong-willed one is baffled by the almost-palpable apprehension of the other when there is a disagreement. The abandoned looks for signs of the other shoe and the steadfast one thinks this smacks of a lack of trust. They're all looking at each other and thinking, "I've read this script before..."

But have they?

You can see where I am going with this, I think. We're really allowing a few ridiculous and unfair things rule our lives. First of all, we are allowing the people who did us wrong to rule our lives once more. And think about it--they're out there fucking with somebody else (they've probably gotten over or even flat-out forgotten YOU) and here you are letting them dictate a relationship that could possibly be the best thing ever to happen to you. Are you serious? You're really going to go down like that? Where IS your competitive spirit, if nothing else..?

Second of all, we ARE being unfair to our current interest--um, by the way...they didn't do anything to you yet, did they? They just maybe sneezed in such a way that it reminded you of Joe from Florida, who treated you like crap and now you refuse to date anyone who sneezes that way...I know, I know, I am oversimplifying a little, but can you see my point? It COULD get that ridiculous...

The beauty of it is this: you have a choice between a traffic circle and a switchback. A switchback might appear to be going back the way it came but instead keeps progressing onward. A traffic circle sends you nowhere if you don't get off of it. We have the choice to react to what we think we see, or see what happens with a little nudge. Communication is key. Maybe you should just shelve your expectations, check your baggage at the door, and when the speedbumps loom, let the other person know they're there and then just let go of control for moment. Have a little faith--you're not a fool for it. They're the fool if they betray you. Because no matter who you are or where you've come from, you are worth it. You are worth the time you are worth the effort, and you are worthy of someone's fidelity and care.

I have a feeling that we spend a lot of our lives trying to re-write history. The problem is, if we always react the same way, if we always expect the same things--we will usually find them. Prophecies are generally self-fulfilling; if we say people always leave us we will for damned sure make certain that we give them a reason. If people cheat, we'll accuse them of it until they say "screw it" and do...(NO I AM NOT EXCUSING CHEATING HERE--lay down your guns!!) If we think someone will be a hothead, we will irritate them with our evasiveness until they fly off the handle and prove us right. Right?

The fascinating things is, should we find the right pattern, at the right moment, in the right mindset--we can heal this. If the cheated-on recognizes the beauty of a faithful freespirit, if the abandoned realizes that distance does not mean seperation of the heart, and if the over-defensive realizes that a disagreement will not end in a firefight...they have just broken a pattern of relationship crises.

This is not to say that success is guaranteed between them. But it's a hell of a start, wouldn't you say..?

:)
Sq